please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize