you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
