The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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