Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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