It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
