Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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