he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
