i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
