just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize