Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Jerry, you need to find god
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
