This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
