I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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