I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
