u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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