I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
