I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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