Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
