youre lurking in front of me
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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