I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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