Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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