the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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