I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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