My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
