She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
