I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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