i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
