I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
