i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
