whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
