My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
