My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
