i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
