He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
