seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
i believe in u and ur pee
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize