what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
