Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
