I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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