I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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