Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I met the friendliest cop last night
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
