i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
