1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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