i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
