Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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