Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
