I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
