please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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