just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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