First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
So squirting runs in the family.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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