She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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