3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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