The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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