Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
