I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
