so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
