K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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