i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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