like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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