life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
whose parrot is this?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My life is pants optional.
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