How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
