i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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