Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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