I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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