Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
