I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
