fuck your aforementioned shoe
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize