my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
soo... how was my night?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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