You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
