you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
