I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
