Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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