Ambien. No doubt about it.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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